Tired

Lets face it...I am tired,, tired and broken, like shards of broken glass that can never be whole again

Tired of fighting the pain. Tired of smiling through it all.Tired of throwing myself into work or incessantly occupying myself with a senseless list of activities just so that I wont think about him. Tired of running away from my self as well as the self that I have lost on the way. Tired of trying to be joyful without him. Tired of crying in the night when the world has shut down and there are no sympathetic glances to bear. 

I am tired...Tired of waking up every morning. Tired of a life that seems to go on for no reason.Tired of living aimlessly like wisps of ash; the remains of a charred soul.Tired of trying to fall in love with myself, for in a mirror I see no  reflection.Tired of rebuilding myself after every wretched nerve wracking night of agony. Tired of reliving the pain, ever so often as it refuses to snub itself out.Tired of feeling the love I have for him, hit me hard, stop me in my tracks and kick the living daylights out of me...every time, every day and tired of picking myself up and walking away from it all like nothing happened.

This journey. When will it end...When?Let me sleep.Please....I implore to myself...I beg with no shame or fear of facing disappointment in the eyes of those who watch me, protect me, criticize me. I look around..none of the eyes that see me matter...except for a single pair..hers...I see her innocent face and I think,..she relies on me completely, I am all she has and I am everything for her....he loved her thoroughly..how can I leave her...how can I wish for that,,,

So it starts once again...No..I cant cry..I cant not try..I cant give up..I have to do this. I have to stand up no matter how many times I fall, falter or bleed. No matter how tired I am. I have to.
I am tired, yes, that is true...but I need to go on..Someday ..I will smile like I used to and maybe I wont be so tired..someday...till then ...I have to go on..pick up my pace..do things right by her. Live..live..live...

live through it all..till I am tired..then write something like this..vent it all out and live again...For, though I may not be a great mother..I am the only one she has.