Friends and I

Friends.... I have always valued them and treasured the few who are a part of my inner circle. Over the past two years they have been my path to salvation.  When I was younger ( I guess once one hits thirty, one is allowed to use this phrase legitimately), I have fought with family, "the less important" friends and arbid strangers for them. I have been quiet silly and adamant about being both openly vocal and discreetly expressive about who among the pool of friends were the most important. And I have always, always bared my heart to them for I believe in loving and living like that, no matter how vulnerable it leaves me. How else can one love. It is not love unless its true, free, brimming and vulnerable. Due to alI the above reasons I never imagined that I would ever willingly let go of even one of them. But surprisingly, that is what I have done.

In the two years since Mukund's death, I have had to face a few bitter truths. Truth about how grief can alienate you, about how widowhood can breed insecurity in others more than you, about how happiness almost feels apologetic to face you, about how people have units of measurement for everything;even emotions and the lack of it, about how nonsensical, "Things to do" notes and "bucketlists" become, about how God can have bad days too especially when it comes to you, about how confusingly inhumane and humane we are  and the extent to which we will go to protect oneself from even reflecting the pain mirrored in the eyes of the grieving soul. Loss, leaves you with a deeper understanding of life, of people, of yourself. You learn more than you ever thought you would see and mostly always you regret having done so. Therefore, you often tend to hide your learning beyond the deceptive curves of a smile and they thrive within you. They remain like unhealed gashes, deep and ugly ones that give you character, that have the power to imprison you or free you. It is up to you. 

Due to more complicated and profound reasons I have had to carve my very heart into a seive and gently and surely drop a few names. Names, I thought i will hold close to my heart till my dying day. I learned that some friendships are like wine while the other are like bread. Some like wine gets deeper flavors and grow stronger with time. But the other kind has a period during which they are edible, they bring you pleasure, they satisfy you and you enjoy the sweet blandness of it all. But in time you will have to let them go, lest they go stale. You need to do this for both parties. But, strangely, my heart has been at peace since I took this step. I will not deny that I struggled, whined and almost broke down but I did not want that..My heart.. I think has suffered enough for now. So, I have taught it to let go..and once you truly do let go, it is in actuality a fulfilling experience. In doing so, you are symbolically caressing your bruised soul and whispering to her that you love her too. Yes, the power of loving oneself, the quality of being kind to oneself. It is quintessential that we learn to do this. I had a tough time picking this skill up and I still haven't been thoroughly successful. It was an aspect of my loss that affected me deeply, a dimension that jumped at me from nothingness and left me staggering, wondering, Where did "I" go? Did I lose "me" with him?  Mukund, he loved me and put me up on a pedestal, he loved me so much so that I din't need to remind myself to love myself. It came automatically. But after him, it was a struggle and sometimes still is. 

I wish, the same peace I feel today upon those I have chosen to let go. I wish they know that I will always value the relationship we shared and will remember them with love and warmth. I wish we can smile when we see each other and harbour no ill will towards each other. I wish we have the wisdom to accept that our friendship was sweet and it has lasted as long as it could. I wish we could part with grace. If not, in time you might understand where I am coming from. I am sure, I am not the only wounded party. There must be things that I did that hurt you or caused you to be different with me or distance  yourself. After all it takes two stones to start a fire. I am sorry if I have done that. It wasn't my intention to. 

In the course of time, I have broken apart when I realized that losing Mukund was just the beginning ...that in many ways the world and everyone in it is not gonna be the same for me..the way they look at me and the way I look at them....and that very few will remain true. But, through it all I realise that I am still here, that I might have changed, but that is alright. We are all in an eternal state of flux.  As long as I learn to love myself I will be mine and fine.