Living without him

Living without him

Seeing all your dreams crumble one by one

Staring at a strangers face in the mirror every morning

Forgetting who you once used to be

Forgetting the sound of joy,of longing,of love

Waking up with wet pillows and smirking at the dramatic nature of it all

Standing by and watching friends vanish and reappear

Standing witness to fickle promises and obsolete pity

Building walls and breaking them down and building them again

Getting tired of the pretense of strength

Loosing hope...rediscovering hope and losing it all again

Questioning God...biting guilt....gasping for faith..... and ..

Encore..Encore...

Then..me...

Realising the pretense is in itself "strength"

Realising that love doesn't die and the pain never really dulls, 

Realising that time is a defunctive healer..but an effective concealer

You can only shut it out for so long

Days weave into days

Nights die and are born again

I find new things to laugh about and I laugh ...or do I?

I force out another one ..... 

That's me? Is that my laughter?

Or is it a guffaw, a giggle, a squeak

I forget

How was I? Before You?

Then..you...

The Ocean.... a dimpled smile...a joke that falls flat on its face

A fall, a prank, dried flowers, your scrawly writing

Old shirts, a pair of shorts, worn out jeans

 The smell, tattered purse and torn bills

Black Boots, Smart Berets, the Olive Green

My eyes

The sound of your laughter in videos replayed a thousand times

Ice-cream...my daughter...men in uniform ..a couple..love..anger...joy..

Everything...

Arrives with a painful pinch of memory and boundless grief..

And now...

I stop..I close the gates..I darken the windows

Insulate my thoughts...

Blind my sorrow...

The tears..they never come..

Held back..like my dreams...

Lost in fate's blind visions

Meandering through untold stories 

And unborn moments

lost..lost..

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