Forever waiting...

I miss him, I miss him, and I wish I could yell these same words out so loud that he would hear me and come back to me.But he will never come back and every time I feel like this I also realise that I have days and days of feeling this way...years...decades...to struggle through. Arshi reminds me every now and then that she doesn't want me to go to Gods Office and she will never let me go. I wish she would. When she is old enough to handle herself. I don't see death as something to be scared of. When I hear of the death of elders in the family, its envy I feel. I think of the relief the ones who passed away must feel. Their strife on earth is done. I believe, to my own dismay, (ironically) that I have reason to envy those who have dusted their hands and left this abode. Is it courage or weakness that forbids me from following them using my own means? This I cant answer. But it is something I know I will never contemplate, for even if I am not a strong woman, I detest giving up when it comes to things that matter the most. Things like living a life worth living and never giving up on myself, family and most importantly God. Of course, I fail often, but I am not going to give in! On the other hand, true to my contradictory nature, I give up on almost every other aspect of my life without fail, like keeping my cupboards clean or living an organised, disciplined life. Its like I am allergic to the very word discipline. But there is one distinguishing character of mine I am learning to discipline. My emotions. 

I have changed, become more circumspect, a little more rational, my emotional frivolousness has lost its edge and has become more restrained. I am no longer impulsive with my expressions of affection, both physically and emotionally. I think that I want myself to become more frigid, at least when it comes to the adults who are in my life. Maybe that is why I love being at school, because here I can give all of myself freely. But in the real world, I have learned to become cold. I hold on to the few i have always loved and shun everyone else. Once bitten, twice shy, I guess. I often  wonder if with every passing year,  I become more bitter and my soul darkens a couple of shades more. Then I have that inevitable thought assailing my frail emotions. "Will Mukund recognise me, when he sees me next?" It feels like he will leave me behind for he wont see who is asking for him. It feels like he will search for the Indhu he knew and I will search for the Mukund I know..and we will miss each other every time because I am not me and he is not him anymore. Its ironical hoe everything changes, everything but the way I feel for him. Even a snippet from a home video, where he is simply stealing a glance at me can set my heart beating like the first time it did for him. I was always the romantic, but he stepped up to my silly romantic needs as often as he could, without feeling silly. Today, when all the "if's" and if only's" haunt my lonely mind, I draw strength from the fact that we loved like no other, we loved with our souls and if he should search for me, he would definitely recognize something of what is left behind. It is only that its not time yet and it is my fate to wait for it. Its been only two years and I can't imagine waiting for ten or twenty or even more. No matter what happens, no matter what turns and twists my life takes, no matter who comes in it or doesn't, I know I will always be waiting for him. I just wish he would at least visit me in my dreams...its been a long time now..Maybe its not the right time for that too..Maybe...

Maybe forever..

Forever..

Waiting forever..