The union of Time, Joy and Grief

Dear Mukund,

Five wedding anniversaries without you and the sixth one is just around the corner.

Some days...

I wonder how I have survived,

Woken up, breathed, walked and lived

I wonder at the futility of survival when all I wish for

Is that sweet reunion in the last chapter.

I wonder if the tears that don't spill any more 

Mean that my grief has, at long last, started to taper.

I wonder if the sweet smile of our daughter

Will soon overshadow memories of yours 

I wonder if the weighted words of merciless sorrow, 

If Unspoken, unwritten and hidden 

Will render the excruciating sense of loss hollow

And relegate your memories to oblivion.

But these ponderings set my heart afire

For grief is now my tormentor and my savior

All that is buried in the light of day

Come back in the dead of night 

I dream, 

Of your return, a wistful one for the past, a hopeful one for the future.

I dream,  

Of days gone by and days that could have been

I dream,

Knowing that dreams are but the tears of unfulfilled desire 

I dream

My grief into a story, unheard and shared with none

I dream

Of your smile melting into our daughter's face

I dream 

And Joy becomes Grief and Grief becomes Joy 

And you come back.

For a moment.

But you do.

And that is enough...

The generosity of time

The kindness of grief 

The cruelty of  joy

Meet for a moment

And that is enough...