LOVE is a souvenir..

"Love is a promise; love is a souvenir, once given, never forgotten, never let it disappear"

John Lennon

Love is bittersweet..and that is what makes it so special..the pain and the joy..the peace and the  passion. Love changes you, there is no point fighting it,, the minute your heart misses a beat, the second the longing tears your insides apart..that moment you lock glances and experience the sharing of souls..its bliss..and to have felt it all..its a blessing. a gift...

Even when he is not around in this realm, there are days I wake up with that thriving emotion saturating my very essence...and it is love..my love for him...and I think...I am lucky, even if the feeling is bitter sweet, even if the agony that follows seems stronger and lasts longer ..the few seconds of pure love I experience every time I set my eyes on his face reminds how truly perfect we were together.Throughout our relationship I was the one who harboured the fear that I might lose him, how can something this good happen to me? How can this last for ever? Will I ever lose him? Will I lose this? He was the one who was, as always, confident that we would be all right. Ironically I did lose him and yet, not really. I know that we have shared the best and worst of each other with each other, so thoroughly that it changed both of us ....so much so that today I often feel lost without him. I don't know if  it is good or bad to let your identity become entwined with that of another, but for me, that was the only way. For those who believe that one should never lose oneself in love..I ask them..if you dont lose your self in another how can you love selflessly? And if you don't love selflessly, is it love at all? 

We live in an age of Liberalism and Feminism where every woman centric  issue is exaggerated for reasons of profit by a capitalistic society. From a humanistic and feminist angle, I agree, that loud movements such as the "My Choice" video succeeds in making ourselves heard. This is the way we need to fight no matter what ulterior motives are being fed on the sidelines. But in this race for justice and rights, in this rigorous movement through a chaotic maze of opinions and stands, I hope that both men and women do not forget how to love.We are becoming experts at loving ourselves in a world that projects and emphasizes the need to be, for the lack of other words, self indulgent when it comes to ones self image as well as needs. But, I hope we don't forget that when we love it is no longer about "you" and "me" as different entities but us...it is no longer about "I" but "we"...it is no longer about the reflection we see in the mirror but our reflection in our partners soul, it is no longer about sacrifices or compromises but understanding and unselfish acts to keep the one you love happy. The purpose of being together fails when either one of the partners fall short of these ideals. Yes, they are "ideals".. pristine and seemingly unrealisable..but that is not true. If you are truly loved and you truly love, you will always recognise the "you" in the "Us" and you will love yourself more through the love you share. Any relation that doesn't do this for you is not the real thing. I know it is not easy to achieve this, luck, fate, and most importantly your own unrelenting efforts, all play equal parts in making this a reality.....Which is why, I often think that I was and am purely lucky.

I am often asked directly and indirectly, out of love and often curiosity, selfishly and unselfishly, hesitantly and boldly, sensitively and insensitively if I will ever love another. Whenever I am asked this question, I manage to give a very rational answer. I say.." I will not say yes or no, but I am not seeking for it and definitely not ready for it." But my insides, they hurt, every time someone throws this query at me. Often, I ask silently, Don't you see how much I love him, even now? How can I accept another when my heart is still taken? Do you have that little faith in our love? This love that I would have sold my soul for! But then I look around and I realise that everyone loves and then loves again. They say it can happen twice, they say it is possible to accommodate one when there is another, it will be different but it will still be love. They say that accepting another doesn't mean you love Mukund less or your love has lost its value. Personally, I know Mukund would want me to do whatever makes me happy. I know all this..but I still can't. Maybe the day it stops hurting when someone asks me about the future. Maybe the day I wake up and get tired of waiting, praying and hoping for him to visit me in my dreams. Maybe the day my need for a shoulder to call my own and weep on overcomes my sadness. May be.. May be...till then I will live and relive and revel in the love that I once shared with and still feel for this man who stole my heart a long time ago. As for the question of will I ever love agin the way I love Mukund... I leave it to God, he thought it best to bring me to this juncture of my life..he will know what to do next..

I finish with this song by Enya that never fails to make me pensive..all that I wrote above was triggered by this song that I heard last night at a friends place after a very long time...

"Only Time"

Who can say where the road goes?

Where the day flows?

Only time

And who can say if your love grows

As your heart chose?

Only time

Who can say why your heart sighs

As your love flies?

Only time

And who can say why your heart cries

When your love lies?

Only time

Who can say when the roads meet

That love might be in your heart?

And who can say when the day sleeps

If the night keeps all your heart,

Night keeps all your heart?

Who can say if your love grows

As your heart chose?

Only time

And who can say where the road goes?

Where the day flows?

Only time

Who knows? Only time