Wishes and Needs

I wish I could talk to him over the phone..ask him how he is doing..check up on him once in awhile and tell him all my worries..Just talk to him like I used to before...tell him every thought and every thing I did today like I used to ...

Wish I could hear his voice advising me and directing me and telling me to be always true to my self to be proud and confident...."You are Major Mukund's wife, carry yourself with pride" he used to say.. :-)..(yes, he had immense self confidence and of course was arrogant as only he could be)

I wish I could hear that confidence in his voice and feel the heat of that arrogant attitude that induced in me contradictory thoughts when I first met him.... instant awareness that I would never get along with him and surprise cos deep inside I realised I was thinking "geez..i like the guy"...

I wish I could see my dear Mukund living life and every moment joyfully and egging me on to do the same...

I wish I could see my husbands soft side in action every time a tear spilled down my cheek or our daughter called him apa...

I wish I could experience every moment in my life that I could feel myself falling for him ...yes, every moment cos I think I fell in love with him every day..after every fight..during every "make up session"..every time he exposed his kind heart..every time he asked for dosa or my egg stew and idiyappam or just food...every time he sat down to finish tonnes of sweet..every time he looked at arshea..every time he gave in to me..every time he did not..every time he put family first..every time he went crazy over Rajnikant and Sachin Tendulkar and the Tamilian in him came out intesely, shouting at the whole word.."nan thamizhan eda..nan thamizhan"...every time he surprised me with a suitcase and a smile at our doorstep..every time he send me flowers only cos he knew I liked it and not cause he is a flower and chocolate kind of guy...every time he used the last penny in the bank to have a good time with me and arshea...every time he regretted not doing more for me when he already had done more than enough...every time I realised that for all the external thorns and blunt and rude words he was just an honest and generous man, every time I realised that he was actually weak in love..his affection for me, his daughter, his parents, his sisters, his best friends was insanely intense and his only weakness....every time he proved to me that he is different..one of a kind and perfect for me...

I wish I could hear him tell me as he always used to that I am stronger than him, mentally..that I am capable..that he was proud of me...cos even when I wasnt....him telling me this made me what he thought of me...

I wish ..I wish..I wish so many things..but of all things..I wish his constant presence and the intense, "taken for granted' security I felt when he was around...I miss his love and expression of it ..I miss returning that to him double fold, in person....

But I guess, for the time being and the rest of my life..I need to LIVE life like he did..joyfully and in honesty.....I need to bring  his treasure up to be a strong and principled individual like her father...I need to LIVE and for now put my deepest wishes aside...I need to decide to be happy just like I decided to fight for my husband and stay with him against all odds,ten long years ago...I need to be as strong as he wanted me to be....and most of all I need to carry myself with the pride of being Major Mukund's wife..like he wud have wanted me to...I need to..for him, for me and for Arshea....Until we meet again...