Things I Think

I AM NO SUPERMOM

Am I being selfish in my sorrow? Am I not taking care of arshi? I was never a super mom and am often known amongst friends as the cool mom and a few who loves me as the hot mom:-)..though i think they wear love tinted glasses when the look at me? (Have you ever realised that when you love someone they are always..always good looking.. ) I don't fuss about too many things..I discipline when required and thats about it. A lot of improvement is possible. I hope I buckle up. Soon.

SORROW

Sorrow never ends when you lose someone this close..it takes over when you don't expect it and deserts you when you do. 

STRENGTH

I am told I am strong. But, do you know I often feel jealous of those who are weak...who are always down..cos it means they need Mukund more and maybe, knowing Mukund, he is out there comforting them...and not standing with me...silly I know..but I was always possessive and I don't think death has changed that..balls to you death,..you have no power over me!!!( ya..right! How I wish that was true?)

CONDOLENCES

I find it amusing to see the relief on the faces of people who come to meet me when they realise that I am not crying my heart out and pulling out my hair and exhibiting every sign of having an imminent psychotic, mental breakdown....some are genuinely relieved for you ..others for themselves

It is uncanny that I often recognise selfishness in the eyes and hugs of those attempting to comfort me. They do it more for themselves..to wash themselves off the guilt they feel for things they have done or not done. It is unnecessary , this guilt. If he was alive the ones that matter would have forgotten or forgiven or vice versa. The ones that don't would have stayed out. You see, it takes two to tango in the blame game too you and me..so your words or gestures now are really not expected because there need not be any guilt. Life and death, it happens and everyone lives as if it doesn't Whatever was before is what is now. For me everything related to my husband and my life might have changed but my equation with everyone else outside my inner circle is the same.The ones who matter is the ones in my inner circle and there are very few here..my family and a handful of my friends. So I say this again those who matter will continue to matter and those who don't wont. So throw away that guilt and recapture your ego. Don't comfort me to comfort yourself. Yes..I will also love those Mukund loved, respect those Mukund respected and dislike those Mukund disliked because I trust his judgement. I might also change my mind in the future about certain things and people but not now. You are only gonna be nice to me now and  then when I remain the same you are going to curse yourself for letting go of your ego just because you felt that I needed your pity, your comforting words and your proximity. I dont. Come to me in honesty..I will appreciate that more than anything else. For those who have exhibited this..your presence was comforting.