FREE TO BE MYSELF..

Not me..HIM

Not me..LOVE

This is not only because he is more important and in actuality the deeds are all his and every thing else is just a consequence, but also because, if it is me then this is a mantle I can't don. 

I shy away from all these praises and accolades. I have no clue why I am a sudden source of inspiration especially when I am not inspired by myself. In spite of being a private person, today, the number of people I know is far far lesser than the number of people who know me. Too many eyes, blinded by false assumptions watch my every move. It gets more difficult when those who love you are also proud of you because even though you are happy that they have this chance to  be proud of you; you are always wondering "What did I do right?". Kids of n impressionable age and adults who are wiser, such a huge responsibility, such a burden, what if it all goes wrong?

A pedestal is a scary place to be.  Unwanted stints in the spotlight are equally uncomfortable. You are always worrying when you will fall. In my case, it is the fear of my sorrow showing. Initially it was only for Mukund and now its all about the world that is staring at me with fragile infatuation....and I am scared and unhappy cos my intentions are diluted, they are supposed to be focused only on Mukund, not the world. 

I want to return to my corner as soon as I leave home, I want to run away from mothers who approach me thinking "It could have been their daughter" (and amazingly there is pride in their eyes!!) I want to run away from those who think that I have been distinctly dignified and a source of inspiration for many....how?..what did I do?... All I did is but love him and anyone who loves will do the same..that is what we do..that is why we are humans...you would do the same...and that is nothing to be proud of....I am just being me and it is the same me who can make mistakes and often do. I am the clumsiest and most absent minded person one would ever see..my friends would vouch for that..so it is only a consequence..GOD..how do I explain this?

I am human and bound to make mistakes, even more so now....and I want to....I want to have the freedom to make mistakes and think and act however I want to without worrying about what others will think..I was free in so many ways before...free as a woman..as a person...free to be myself...and now I am not!I cannot let that be..I cannot continue like that. Today, I start, I shall fight expectations from all sides..and I might turn out to be the bitch of the century, but I am gong to do it anyway..I shall not pander to anyone's expectations even though I know the world is not a forgiving place and this is going to be a painful journey..but then again my world is different from yours...and I don't expect you to understand...