To you, Mukund

My husband, Major Mukund Varadarajan has been awarded the Ashok Chakra, the nation's highest peace time gallantry award. Friends, Family and reporters ask me how I feel about it and I wonder if they haven't realised yet that the question is extremely rhetoric in nature. 

I understand that it is out of love and concern and i am glad that you are trying to reach out and be my support. I am genuinely grateful to the friends that stuck around before and after, to the family that has established the true meaning of being a family through thick and thin, to the media that tries their best to throw light on the trials and tribulations of those guarding our borders and doesn't let the common man forget that his freedom is not free...it comes at a cost...at the cost of lives and dreams of men and women like my husband and their families..at the cost of happiness of a scant few..

For me the award means that the country and the government acknowledges my husband's valour and selflessness. But let me tell you something...this valour and selflessness is proved even before the army man receives an award. The day he dons the uniform, the day he receives his first posting with joy and trepidation, the day he takes his place in his parent unit and rediscovers the strength of his ideals and principles, the day he learns to trust his integrity to guide his actions....on all these days he becomes the very definition of valour and selflessness. An army man, HE strives everyday in peace or field to do his best. HE believes that there is no profession better than his, even when he knows that he might lose his life and will not get half the time a normal man gets with his family. My husband was such a man.

So..when you ask me....am I proud of him now?..I say..I have always been proud of him..every little thing he did and stood for..I was proud of..why do you think I fell in love with him...the award has not increased this feeling...how can you increase something that has been brimming in me from the beginning...I was, have been and will always be proud of him. No matter what happens. And I will also always miss him...I will miss his strength, his confidence, his conviction and passion, his kindness, his pride, his impatient nature, his arrogance and rashness, his temper, his introspection and willingness to better himself as a human being, his conversations and monologues:-), his love, his sincerity...his hugs...his presence...

It is ironical how much Mukund and I loved the sea and today I love it even more. His ashes were scattered in the sea and every time I set my eyes on it I feel he is somewhere amongst the frothy, tempestuous waves of life standing by me and helping me brave the unpredictable vagaries of life. I am sure he is giving me that all knowing smirk of his and telling me..I told you that the world would know "Mukund Varadarajan". I only wish that you had also said that you would be here receiving the award.

Mukund..wait....wait for me..for once have some patience and lend me some of yours...after a few long years when God is ready to free me from the fetters of responsibility, i will come...be there...in the same sea of love...waiting for me.....I shall come alone....to your world where nothing, not the medal nor the pride,but only our love matters...