An Omnipresent Venusian - Matters of the Heart and Fate

It has been a long day and it is gonna be a longer week. Oct 26th will mark the 6 month anniversary of your death..and Oct 27th will mark the 10th anniversary of your proposal..or let's say our commitment...Ten years ago this significant week heralded a momentous change in my life.I was uncertain about the future..anxious about the consequences ....but convinced about my emotions...

I never really did ever have trouble being honest with myself about my emotions or my reactions to those around me..be it love, dislike, anger...I wasn't always successful in hiding it, but in spite of this i have managed to appear polite when it was required. Not so much now...Now..I cant tolerate a single relationship that is not a 100 percent genuine...I cant handle fake smiles and petty conversations for the sake of decorum...I detest social occassions where this kind of conduct is essential. Unfortunately, in a formal institution like the army, such instances are inevitable and definite. I avoid meetings with friends and acquaintances who I thought I had forgiven for even the slightest misbehaviour or betrayals...I avoid parties or outings where there are people I don't know...I am careless about responding to everyone's queries, via phone, mail, WhatsApp. Recently a friend said "Indhu has teleported to Mars where there is no range", jocularly and I replied that since I am a woman it is befitting that he at least send me to Venus...an Omnipresent Venusian.. that is what I have become. 

I am truly omnipresent..I hear everyone..I see this indifferent world move around me, listlessly, adhering to its daily routine..but me..my thoughts are everywhere... At times I am in Chennai, in that simple, tiny house that became home...sitting beside Mukund on a narrow divan ... being cajoled in to saying that maybe...just maybe he meant more than a friend..exactly how our commitment episode unfolded ten years ago..it took four hours for him to get that out of me ..and all the while my virgin heart was hammering so hard I thought he could hear it...I tried hard not to reveal my precious truth..but Mukund had already read it and the cunning chap just wanted me to put it in words..he wanted to ensure that there was a safety net in place before he jumped into love and the confession of the same...

Then, I am back...back to the present..a second...I recoil...I gather myself and then wonder..A Second?..Is that all it takes to forget..why am I so impervious?..so immune or numb?...I grab my phone, almost out of habit, read the messages of friends and acquaintances, search for his message or missed call and then dump the phone on the nearest flat surface...I try to lose myself in work and in my pursuits of vanity or entertainment.... I ceaselessly employ myself to do one or the other activity..I am running away..then "wham"!...I am back!

Back in Mhow experiencing the birth of a marriage that was intense, compassionate, passionate and all understanding. Suddenly, I am lying on my bed at my parents, bloated and unmistakably pregnant, ridden with pain...and then a strong arm draws me close and says "just hug me". Now, I am at the door waving good bye to my husband, a large figure in an inconspicuous green cab...my final farewell. 

This time I am thrown back into my world..she is crying. She needs food, love, care attention and a large percentage of my fake smiles...but she is not fooled.Initially, even when there are no wet imprints of sorrow on my face, she often asked "Why are you sad, ama". But, nowadays, she looks at me intently and I wonder if she can see in to my soul and witness the battle I wage there everyday because now, she holds my face and says,"I love you amma".At moments like this I see Mukund in her.

Then I hear his voice..on the phone..dejected, a little lost..,"I miss you and my daughter", he says..and I reciprocate with all the love in my heart and I tell him..that its ok..we will meet soon..we will be all right. Funnily, these are word we exchanged quiet often, its just that the one in need of them alternated. I find myself holding the phone and wondering if he will ever call. A rhetoric question! I think, maybe I just need to act like I am talking to him and that might help...and it does..to an extent...

I am everywhere..I flit from my world of memories..to the present...to my past..to the future I dreamt of...to the cruel future that awaits me..ceaselessly, timelessly, without moving a finger..I move and am moved...voluntarily and involuntarily..sometimes out of courage and often out of fear..sometimes indifferently and most times, broken...I am the seemingly "generous" God of my world....a world that I mould and remould, break and build, destroy out of feigned mercy and rebuild with bountiful grace..until it reaches perfection..and even then it isn't enough....

In C.S Lewis's book "Perelandra", a professor travels form Earth to Venus, to prevent the Adam and Eve of that planet from bringing upon their planet the same fate as that of earth. The only rule the young souls in love had to follow was to not sleep on their land...the King and Queen. Unfortunately..in my world of dreams and reality..on my Venus, my king and I not only slept but we thrived...and by fates decree we have been banished from our world..without him..there is no world....In the book, the angel of the planet tells them that this heralds a new age..a new page in their book of life...But why is the angel of fate so stubborn? Why a new start when I don't want one?. and I realise that she won't answer..she never will..if she cant answer then how can I?