Diwali....for me

Last Diwali was the picture of happiness in spite of times of frugality..we had, for a couple of reasons come upon a difficult financial phase. We had just moved to MHOW for a three month JC course that Mukund had to attend and I had to don the robes of a true housewife who counted each and every penny spent. I never thought I could do it, but I was cornered by circumstances and had no choice.. 

We didn't have the time or money to buy crackers, but we still managed to etch a little out to buy firefly lights..and a few diyas. It was very important for me that we celebrate all the festivals at home and Mukund was so sweet when it came to mine..especially Christmas that I never wanted to let him down. Christmas of 2012, he took me wherever I wanted to go and waited however long he had to, so that I could get the right ornaments for my Christmas tree..Even in MHOW we went riding on his bike, even when he had to study and not a moment to spare, to pick up a star and the related electric paraphernalia just becuase he wanted me to celebrate christmas. He was a wonderful husband that way..always fair..and always changing for the better.

We went for a dance party at DSOY, MHOW. I hadnt got warm clothes from MHOW even when Mukund had given me money for it cos I didn't want to spend 3000 bucks on something I might not use later. I remember Mukund saying that he knew I was gonna do that. He made me take a swig of whisky just so that I could remain warm and his jacket that I still wear at times because it smells of him. I don't drink and so I didn't know how it felt to get drunk and I was so scared that I was drunk that I kept asking Mukund all the time we were there if I was drunk. He just gave me that all knowing smile of his and a look that without words said "you are so cute". That warmed me immediately..call me old-fashioned, but I loved my man thinking of me as cute and innocent..I loved it when he said that I was a pedestal of purity....true, it scared me to hell..because, obviously, the expectations associated with that title is no joke...I remember looking at him that day and thinking...thank you God for letting me be with him..no one can love me more or know me better. That day....we danced like crazy with Arshi on his hips and his free arm around me...binged on loads of food and truly celebrated our love.

This diwali ..I decided to celebrate it, knowing that it is what Mukund would have wanted, especially for Arshi. I went crazy, I danced and sang and went out with friends and her..I dressed the way I wanted to and managed to look pretty for myself. But, there is always an aftermath..an anticlimax..and I think it is because one in grieving can only tolerate a limited amount of joy. Sometimes you tend to get tired of it, tired of having fun and being happy, tired of acting as if things are normal, tired of shutting out incessant thoughts of Diwali's gone by and turning a deaf ear to the constant hammering of the heart demanding for the return and the presence of the one man who can truly make me genuinely joyful. 

I am so lucky to have loved and still love him the way I do and to be loved back the same way,,,its a blessing I will never stop thanking God for.....Happy Diwali Mukund,,,,wish you were around,,,enjoying the crackers and guiltlessly binging on all the sweets at home.....but I guess that is not going to happen any more...I miss you chakudu...deeply, endlessly, desperately....