In Grief

In grief everyone is alone...no matter how hard you try and what you do..no one can ever help you or comfort you. ..too bad for your friends and family actually. Even God for that matter...I have no loss of faith. .in fact thankfully it has been a source of strength for me. .my faith..but even my faith cannot take this sense of loss from me. . It can not bring mukund back bodily or change time around such that everything was as before. ..cos whatever happened ..happened only cos  God wanted it that way and he has his reasons that a mere mortal like me can never fathom...but he still can't bring my life back to me..so it is true. .In the last moments of life my husband was alone with his thoughts and anxieties and in grief I am alone. .I can feel myself changing. ..I can feel the thorns of defense growing out to cover up the weakness, vulnerabilities and insecurities I feel..I can hear myself protecting what's mine ... I am holding on to everything like a child would hold beach sand in tight innocent fists..I don't expect anyone to understand or tolerate me but I expect them to let me be..I just want to be treated normally..and most don't understand that. .its cos they love me ...I know. .but in grief I am selfish. ..I don't think you will understand even wen you try and say you do...and I don't expect you to. ..not cos you can't but cos in grief i am alone...like my mukund. ..

Alone in a world no one can reach me

Alone looking at life living around me

Alone in my sorrow and my inertness

Alone in my thoughts and chaotic emotions

Alone and too far from all who love me

Alone and changing in ways the world can't see

Alone and rearing to fight the whole world

Alone and feeling older than the mountains so tired