to lose him

To lose your husband is like becoming handicapped. It's a kind of handicap that no one can see, no one can help you with....no prosthetics for your broken heart, no replacement for your damaged soul. At times you want the whole world to see it. To see how severely you are incapacitated. You want to yell it out...scream...but then creeps in this godforsaken pride. This intense, insane need  to be stronger than humanly possible and deal with it....no matter what ...within closed walls. Because it is too private, too precious and not for anyone else to see. In a quaint way it's your and only your tragic pleasure to indulge in ...because he was yours alone...body..heart and soul..