NO

It is often difficult to say NO...it is more difficult to say no to the ones you love...It is a luxury if you can do that without giving reasons... One of the challenges of having lost my husband is the intensive immediate and strong need to protect myself from my loved ones...yes you read that right...you see..I am not being insensitive and cruel..or maybe I am...

I believe people deal with loss in different manners and as it is for mostly everything else, it is the little things that matter. I have always been an obstinate soul, I always liked doing things my way and the only person I really allowed to tell me what to do was my Husband and he never did that. Funnily, he let me do what I wanted ..mostly always (of course there were exceptions..like no sleeveless blouses !! But I had my ways around him and the handful dictates that he had for me)

When Mukund left last month I was and still am indeed glad for the love, support and help that poured in from family and friends. I dont think I would have survived without it. And, I am surviving on it. But with Mukund's death there also came an onslaught of vulnerabilities and these in turn intensified my already controlling and defensive nature. 

Understanding this version of me is not something I expect from anyone. It's not that I don't want the love and support. It's simply that I don't want anyone telling me what to do. Life has already taken over my dreams for my future. I don't want anyone taking over my decisions for me. I don't want help until I ask for it. I will seek for your opinion when I need them. I am still the same person. Just cos I lost him I have not been rendered unable to make decisions for myself. They are mine to make. Right or wrong. I expect  to be left alone. Especially now.

You would understand if you were me but you arent. Today, I am struggling to stand on my own..not financially but mentally. Refusing  help cos I want to be independent. Drawing lines cos I need them to define my future. It would be wonderful if you would. .If you could. ..But I  understand that you can't and may not...so ....let me hope...

Let me hope that we stay together till the end of my living days...

Let me hope to see you at the end of this road that I have to walk on my own...

Let me hope that you will be greater than me and forgive my harshness. .

Let me hope that you will understand why I will still adhere to my boundaries 

Let me hope that you will realise why I expect you to do the same 

Let me hope that you will love me enough to let me be...

If not....its a loss for me...but never more than what I have already lost....